Football season is back baby!! For most of us, this means fighting off the Sunday scares with wing specials, shitty beer, maddening fantasy football outcomes and losing half of your salary betting on the over. And if you’re really doing it right, hopefully going to a live game and a killer tailgate party.
If your idea of a good tailgate is a cooler full of a cold beer, the company of your most rambunctious friends, some cornhole and delicious food hot off the grill, then well… you don’t work for Brach’s.
Brach’sidea of a good tailgate is fruit punch and hot dog flavored candy corn.
Brach’s Tailgate Candy Corn
Oh, Lord have mercy with this new Brach’s Tailgate Candy Corn, available exclusively at Walgreen’s.
Got a barf bag ready? The featured flavors in this mix are:
- Fruit Punch
- Vanilla Ice Cream
- Popcorn
- Hot Dog
- Hamburger
From left to right:
Vanilla Ice Cream: I was positive this one was supposed to be popcorn because I thought the yellow base was for butter, but nope! It’s either to represent a waffle cone or that somebody took a piss in your vanilla ice cream. This one is mostly non-offensive. It tastes like candy corn without the candy corn flavor, if that makes sense? (It doesn’t!)
Fruit Punch: Spoiler alert – this is the only one I liked. It tastes like Kool-Aid and is the closest thing to actual in the entire bag.
Popcorn: Again, I thought this one was supposed to be the vanilla ice cream because it’s mostly plain white. It was the first one I ate and it was like when you reach for a sip of milk at breakfast but accidentally grab the orange juice, and temporarily want to vomit because you think you’re drinking the most spoiled milk you’ve ever consumed. Once I re-calibrated my brain I realized it tastes like the Butter Popcorn Jelly Belly jelly bean, which also happens to taste like ass.
Hot Dog: The good news is that it doesn’t taste like a hot dog. The bad news is that it tastes like a smoky dish rag. A Lunchables Hot Dog that you dropped in the toilet would be significantly better than this one. Absolutely vile.
Hamburger: The only nice thing I can say about this is that it’s not as bad as hot dog. The other thing I will say is, “F*ck you, Brach’s.”
Burning Questions:
- Why do you keep doing this to yourself? I ask myself this every day.
- Why do they keep making meat-flavored candy? Brach’s gonna Brach.
- Why am I going to buy this anyway? Because we’re both freaks.
Place of Purchase: Walgreen’s (Exclusive)
Rating: Terrible out of 10
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